D Club on Facebook along with my own personal view of this subject which is also below. The amount of support I received for sharing this blew me away. I received numerous texts, "likes" , phone calls and private messages. One person told me that I had a way of saying what many people want to say, but they don't say. Many people thanked me for sharing my views and stated they feel the same way. The number of people who told me that I had been helping them through their journey, similar to mine through my post on Facebook as well as my post here on my blog was humbling. I wasn't even aware that a couple of these people had been down this path or currently going down this path. The quote we all have heard about being kind to everyone you meet because everyone is fighting their own battles came to mind. Also the quote about people hiding behind their smiles...wow. Like some of the stories I have been told in the last 24 hours just blow my mind.
Soooo, now what? I would have thought I would have learned years ago but I obviously haven't. When in life, your job, at home. at school you present a problem, or as I like to say an opportunity you need to be willing and able to come up with a solution. So what is the solution to how we as Christians handle those "divorced people?" You know those Christians who weren't for one reason or another able to keep their marriage together. Remember, we don't need to know the details. We don't need to know where to lay the blame. We need to figure out how to love them, take care of them, support them, to treat them like Jesus treats the rest of us sinners.
At points in this journey I have wanted to scream " those of you who are starring, pointing, gossiping, lying about me, my ex husband and my children, who has never failed, made a mistake or been put in a position where you knew the choice you made wasn't going to make everyone happy please step forward!" In other words, all perfect people step forward! Here is where another quote pops into my mind, "just because we sin differently don't judge me" or something like that. Okay, so none of us are perfect. Hopefully we agree on that. Back to the issue at hand.
What can we do as a Church to minister to these people? There are enough support groups. We as divorced people do not want to be clumped together in one more room with a bunch of other divorced folks and told to talk it out. There is a time and place for that, but we need more. Think about being put in a group with others who gossip as much as you do. Do you think that will help you? I'm sure a lot of talking will be going on but that is not what you need all the time. Again, support groups are great! They have a time and place. But how can WE the CHURCH help those who have gone through a divorce?
Realize that divorce does not mean an end to a family especially when children are involved so be very careful what you say. My ex husband and I might not be married but he is still the father of my children. He still helped me bring those two precious children into this world. Those children still need both of their parents. Just please don't waste time talking ABOUT the divorced folks and their family, talk to them, with them.
Listen to them without judging, without thinking you have to have a solution, just listen.
Love them
Pray for them-and let them know
Be there for them...really be there for them
Do not wait till they ask for help! If you know they need something, just do it!
Youth ministers it is your job to help the children navigate through this as well.
Do not treat them any differently-stop looking at them with pity, or down your noses.
Stop judging! Stop gossiping and for the love of all stop assuming you know anything about them!
I would challenge each of you reading this to take this issue to your home congregation and evaluate how you are handling this. How are you handling those people who are now divorced?
Oh and please know that I am praying for each of you to never have to go down this road...because I wouldn't want anyone to feel like some have made me feel.
For those of you who know me, really know me, then you already know that when I say there is life after divorce that I mean it! I did not put my trust in a group of people, not a support group or my church to get me through the rough days. I put my trust in GOD! He is bigger than any opportunity and He is constant! I will not go into how He blessed me, that blog has already been written and posted. I just wanted to remind all of those who are part of the "D Club" to keep your trust in God, He has big plans for you.
The below article was written by Jayson D. Bradley
I was talking church with a friend over coffee, and he alluded to some difficulties in his congregation.
“Uh oh, what’s up?” I asked
He said they’d discovered that one of their elders, years before attending the church, had been divorced. He and his current wife had been members at the church for a number of years now and he was an elder in good standing, but they didn’t know if their bylaws would allow him to continue serving in that capacity. I was shocked.
I asked, “What if you had found out he had murdered someone instead?”
“Oh, then there’d be no problem.” He replied.
We both laughed, but we both knew his response was no joke.
Divorce is hard enough as it is
As most who have experienced it will tell you, divorce is a living hell. Even the ones that aren’t acrimonious are full of crippling sadness, hurt, frustration, anger, and remorse. It’s like death with no finality: death of a family, death of a dream, death of a relationship, and death of a lifestyle. It’s one of the most painful things some will ever experience.On top of this terrible injury, the church often heaps agonizing insult:
Fault-finding—One of the first things someone going through a divorce has to deal with is the hunt for a guilty party. Jesus tells the Pharisees, “anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Therefore, a divorce has to include infidelity for it to be legitimate. People feel absolutely comfortable prying into the painful particulars of someone’s marriage to figure out who this unfaithful person might be, or to convince you that you have no acceptable grounds for divorce.
Ostracism—For the most part, churches don’t often come right out and say, “Maybe you shouldn’t attend here anymore.” What often happens instead is people stop calling. They stop reaching out. Once people think they have fault figured out, they’ll begin to isolate and marginalize that person. If they can’t figure it out (or occasionally even if they can), they’ll disassociate themselves from both. At your most vulnerable moment, your community disappears.
Lectures—With the best of intentions, people will give you marriage books, fill you in on snippets of sermons they’ve heard, or just give you their $.02 about what you should or shouldn’t be doing—despite their limited knowledge of the particulars.
Discharge—As is the case with the story at the beginning of this post, it’s not unheard of to have responsibilities taken from you when you’re going through a divorce. It’s not always done to ease the stress of the divorcée; instead it often feels punitive. In many of those churches, you won’t get those responsibilities back—ever.
Gossip—This may be one of the most difficult things to endure. You come to church for sanctuary and you can feel that it’s no longer safe. Everyone’s trying to figure out what’s going on and spreading stories that are mixtures of truth and fantasy. It is the most excruciating game of telephone.
Insensitivity—When you’re divorced in the church, you’re constantly privy to people talking about the divorced as second-class citizens. After Seattle won the 2014 Super Bowl, Quarterback Russell Wilson and his wife announced they were getting a divorce. Instantly, he went from Christian poster boy to Christian pariah.
Try being a divorced person in the same room where someone is talking about someone like Russell Wilson getting a divorce. Every time you hear, “Well, there goes Russell’s credibility,” you’re reminded of your status as a bad Christian.
Some of my favorites I’ve heard over the years are have been gems like:
“You’re surprisingly spiritually sensitive for someone who’s divorced.”
“I don’t judge you; I just know the value of keeping my promises.”
Can we just be reasonable?
The church values marriage. It’s not only a covenant between two individuals; it’s a picture of Christ’s relationship to the church. The church needs to build strong, healthy marriages. But there has to be a way to way to value something without resenting or hurting those who fail.I have no question that God hates divorce. But couldn’t it be that God hates it for what it does to people? Doesn’t he hate it for the pain it causes? Couldn’t his feelings be hatred for the painfully destructive nature of a divorce and not, as we tend to assume, just indignation for people who would have the audacity to break their vows?
One thing I don’t see in Jesus is scorn for people who hurt, and people who fail. The whole reason the cross exists is because we are all, on some level, infidels and failures.
I think we can build and encourage strong marriages without heaping condemnation on people who, for whatever reason, find themselves dashed against the rocks.
This isn’t a justification for divorce
When push comes to shove, we know nothing about someone else’s marriage. I think you could go so far as say that only God understands all of the complexities that influences whether a couple succeeds: upbringing, family of origin, culture, communication styles, personalities, spiritual considerations. You can do your best to prepare a man and woman to marry, but there are innumerable ways for them to fail each other.We need to make church a safe place to have a bad marriage. Maybe part of the problem of divorce in the church is the heights to which we idealize and standardize perfect Christian marriages. There are so many couples desperately bailing water while struggling to navigate their troubled marriages—scared to tell anyone they’re sinking.
This doesn’t make divorce acceptable by any means. It is always a tragedy. It’s ironic that many of the divorced among us are the church’s biggest advocates for the value of good marriages. They’ve seen the other side. They understand the horrors of divorce more than anyone else possibly could.
Divorce is terrible, ugly business. It’s a heart-wrenching failure. But it’s not an irredeemable situation that falls outside the cross’ reach.
Showing the divorced compassionate empathy and tender care does not mean you condone failed marriages.
Marriage is an important promise. Sometimes people fail. I believe we can champion the first truth while showing grace for the second.
Great article don't you think?
Below is what I posted on Facebook in regards to the article above. The support this post received is just proof this is an issue.
I believe this is one area the church in general is not equipped to handle properly. Those who have never traveled this road have zero idea how it feels...how it hurts...how isolated you feel. The stares, the rumors and gossip, the lies. There seems to be an increase curiosity and lack of caring in this situation. We as a church know how to tell those with dying family members how we are so sorry they are suffering, and that we are praying. We as a church know how to tell someone recovering from an addiction that we are proud and praying for their strength to continue down the right road. We as a church know how to support those who are adopting children..we throw baby showers and wedding showers and take food to the sick but you have someone get divorced and the church disappears. It disappears I'm told because no one really knows what to say or how to handle it. Well from experience people really don't know what to say or how to handle it when you lose a family member either - "God needed them more" "He is better off"
Well that might be true but I assure you it's not what needs to be said. But we as a church reach out and try to help those left behind after death. Well like this article says, divorce is like death. So the next time someone you know gets divorced stop the gossip, stop trying to figure out fault and realize that there are a lot of people hurting and just be there for them. Pray for them and let them know you are doing so. Reach out to everyone involved especially the children. Stop judging and stop talking about them because YOU are making things worse in a situation that is already awful. Do what we as Christians are called to do...love each other...pray for each other...take care of each other. I'm not bashing the C of C. I've discussed this with people who are Baptist, Catholic , Methodist and Presbyterian and they all say the same thing. I love what the author of this article says ...yes God hates divorce but maybe he hates the hurt it causes. He doesn't hate me! I am divorced and guess what God still loves me! He is still here with me! He is still blessing me! So please think about how you treat those who you see as permanently marked with the letter D.
Again, I challenge you as an individual to evaluate how you treat those people who are divorced.
How does your church minister to them? Their families? The children involved?